It's A Mystery!

For whatever reason, probably ease of reading so that my chemo-addled brain can fully enjoy an easy pull-me-along read, but I've been on a mystery kick lately.

My books of choice during chemo infusions have been M. C. Beaton's Agatha Raisin and Hamish Macbeth mysteries:  because they are just funny enough to get a giggle out of me, even with all the poison coursing through my veins.  But, most importantly, they are an easy enough read that I can follow along even with a double dose of steroids and benedryl added to the chemo cocktail mix.

I've always been a bit of a mystery fiend, loving Agatha Christie and Arthur Conan Doyle and everything in between.

So I thought I would throw some questions out to everyone:

-- Who is your favorite mystery writer and why?

-- What is your favorite mystery book of all time?

-- What is your favorite mystery film?  Why?  It could be a modern adaptation or an old noir classic, a television adaptation, or something not necessarily considered a mystery but which presents one nonetheless (like a scifi thriller with mystery written all over it -- a lot of the work of Philip K. Dick brought to the big screen springs to mind here!).

Would love your thoughts on some new mysteries to read or watch.  Thanks in advance for any good suggestions!

Still Alive And Kicking

The world is gray and exceptionally rainy, the soggy sluicing of car tires against the roadways punctuated by bouts of thunder and flashes of lightening that threaten to banish the dog to her favorite hiding spot behind the chair and away from the windows for the rest of the day.

It is the perfect day after chemo, because all that my body wants to do this morning is cuddle into a chair with a soft and warm blanket, and spend the day reading and doing as little as possible.

I may not get an entire day of relaxation, this being dance recital week and all.  But I can at least get a couple of hours of calm and quiet to savor, right?

Yesterday's chemo was a rough round.  I had a horrible reaction that felt like a burning elephant was crushing my chest and that I would never again be able to draw any decent breath -- it came on so quickly that I barely had time to gasp out a word to the mercifully attentive staff, who were already racing to my side because my pale skin had gone raspberry red in an instant.  While this is not unusual during chemo given that they are pumping you full of poisonous ick, it resulted in us having to stop the drip, immediately add in a lot of steroids and benedryl, and then go more slowly for the rest of the treatment.

They will have to tweak things going forward to deal with my body's attempt to save itself from the very thing that is being used to save me from cancer.  Go figure.

Two down, two more to go.  Then several weeks of radiation.  Then several years of tamoxifen.  And who knows what else.  It is a long and winding road, indeed. 

But if it means I don't have to do any of this again, ever?  Then I will take the road now, thank you very much, to be able to giggle over something silly with my daughter or read with her snuggled in bed or watch The Peanut graduate from college and walk down the aisle and snuggle with grandchildren and laugh my way through another wonderful vacation with the family I love so much and just sit and hold the hand of the man I love so dearly.

Thinking About A Butterfly Garden

This year, we lost several large rhododendrons that lined one side of our driveway.  They were quite old, and had caught some sort of nasty ick that had weakened several of them and killed one outright.

Every spring, their blooms were such a wonderful way to greet the return of warmth and green.  But dying, crunchy, drooping shrubbery is not the most attractive landscaping option, and so they had to go.

But what to plant in the open spot?

It gets some good sunshine, and is a nice patch of potential.  We'd like to add in something that comes up every year -- small shrubs and/or perennials that come back on their own would certainly make for less work.  But it needs to be something that won't get immediately overgrown and stick out into the driveway, and preferably something relatively low maintenance, too.

I have learned the hard way the past few years that high maintenance flowers and plants do not play well with health issues that do not allow for a lot of physical activity.

So, The Peanut and I have been tossing around the idea of a butterfly and hummingbird garden.  The trick is going to be figuring out what plants would make a good base, and how to best configure them without having the whole thing take over a big chunk of driveway. 

There are a lot of options for some beautiful flowering plants.  The fun part will be figuring out which ones will work best for us.

The Elusive Sound Of Silence

One of the things that I have learned being stuck at home trying to heal is that I am horrible about being alone with my thoughts.  Instead of using this time to think about something profound and meaningful, or plot some passionate work on something that could makes the lives of millions better, what am I doing?

Sitting around with a blank brain and then turning on the teevee to watch old re-runs.

I get that this is comfort watching of the highest order in some cases (the BBC mini-series Cranford, for example, which I had missed and am delighted to say I've discovered and am enjoying with the Judi Dench-awesomeness of it all), or catching up on crapola (For example, don't bother trying to watch therecent Rock of Ages movie, it is too painful and I could not force myself through the first 30 minutes without having to turn it off...ugh) that I had mercifully missed.  And I also understand that my body is healing and requiring pain medication and such, and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself because I'm recovering from surgery for breast cancer...but I'm not certain that at this stage of my life that I can be content just marking time.

Shouldn't I want to DO something?  Work on something meaningful?  Have a serious and profound purpose to work toward?

There has to be an inner voice somewhere, just waiting to get out and propel me forward to some honorable mission in life.  Or else, what is the point, right?

The last couple of days, I have tried meditation.  "Tried" being the operative word here.

Better Planning For Our Pauses

Fall is my favorite season.  Waking up to crisp mornings that mellow into warmed sunshine afternoons, the golden light that illuminates the world in a sort of hazy glow as it eases toward sunset.

My inclination this time of year is to prepare the house for nesting over the winter.

It is a bit like a squirrel lining its den, I suppose, but I have this urge to straighten and tidy and fortify the pantry with delicious snacking and baking staples in case of a snow day somewhere in the distant future.

Do we have puzzles and games aplenty, all currently stored at the ready?  Including a vast supply of legos just waiting to be built into something awesome?  Check.  And check.

Is there plenty of popcorn and assorted tidbits that The Peanut finds deliciously munchable?  Check.

Can we make some snickerdoodles at the drop of a hat?  Yeppers!

One of the things I do is to make sure I've stashed away some activities -- new coloring books, a craft project or two, something to paint or assemble, a fresh drawing pad, a new-ish movie or two picked up from the $5 or less bin, you name it -- so that when the inevitable snow day strikes, we have a new and exciting something-or-other to do.

I have done this since The Peanut was small.

God Bless The Child

While we were in New Orleans, we discovered a great jazz club right on Bourbon Street.

Grammy-winning trumpeter Irvin Mayfield has joined with the Royal Sonesta Hotel and opened a quiet little club tucked away inside the hotel lobby away from the bustle on Bourbon Street. The drinks are a little overpriced but, with the exception of Irvin's live night on Wednesday, there is no cover charge and the friendliness of the bartender and waitstaff and excellence of the performances make the extra cost on drinks more than bearable.

We spent a lot of time just hanging out and watching some live shows several evenings while we were on vacation.

Found this upload, that gives a little taste of what we got to see -- not this performance, but just the live vibe feel.  Nice little mental vacay...enjoy.

Playing With Color

While The Peanut was home sick last week, I re-discovered something that I absolutely love:  coloring.

It's funny how you can pick something up that you haven't done in years and have so much fun with it, isn't it?  We colored a LOT while watching movies or just listening to music.  She found it a soothing way to keep from scratching her chicken pox, and I found it a nice creative change of pace and a good way to relieve some of my mommy tension while she was so sick.

We both had a blast spending time together, sitting side by side and sharing crayons and colored pencils.  I had forgotten how fun it can be to bring a little black and white picture to life with a little color.

How had I forgotten how fun that is?

Several years ago -- before The Peanut started school, actually -- I had gotten myself an intricate coloring book of springtime designs by Ruth Heller on an Artist's Date when I was trying to kick start my creative juices via Julia Cameron's Artist's Way.

Somehow, though, this coloring book got buried in a drawer (during some whirlwind "company's coming" clean-up spree no doubt)...and only got unearthed again, years later, this past week.  Which I think may be the most symbolic representation of my creative fits and starts and my difficulty with putting my creative needs on the front burner ahead of family and everything else in my life.

It is what it is, right?

But the thing is, once I rediscovered this coloring book?  And then started coloring in it?

I had a BLAST.

Seeking More Light

It has been a rough last few weeks.  Biopsy after biopsy, and then waiting for days on end for results, watching as the clock ticked by the minutes while I wasn't able to fall asleep only to get up the next day and begin again.

No matter how much sleep I've tried to catch up on the last few days, it hasn't been nearly enough.

This holiday season is truly the most exhausting one I can remember.  I'm actually done with my shopping and wrapping for the most part, we're firming up plans for family present exchange times and dates...and yet, I'm still feeling rushed and exhausted from it.

It may just be the way of the season this year, given the circumstances.  But that doesn't mean I can't do a few things to help myself along.

First off, a little thing that I can do today:  I'm going to take some time to do my nails.  It's not much, but it's something I can see and it won't take a lot of time to do.  Yet it is always a pick me up when my hands look nice instead of raggedy and chipped.

This week, I'm going to concentrate on organizing the public space downstairs.  Our open-ish floor plan is fantastic in terms of all of us being able to be together even when we are in different rooms.  But it also means that clutter in one room is really clutter in all of them in terms of my line of sight.  So this week will be dedicated to clutter busting and organization in between all the dance practices, school activities, recitals and family obligations.

I'm hoping by the end of the week to get us somewhere noticeably more centered and stress-free.  Or at least well on the way.

Say it with me:  a little bit at a time can add up to a big difference.

Rejuvenation

Ever reach that feeling where you have nothing but fumes left in the tank?  Where you know your "to do" list is piling up, but you are finding it really hard to care and can't muster the energy to get up and do the things that need to be done?

That is me today.

There are things that need to be done around the house, and I'm going to knuckle down and do a number of them.  But I'm also in search of some serious rejuvenation, even if it is only on a small scale.

Perhaps I can steal a little quiet book time this morning.

Or take a warm shower with some scented aromatherapy bath gel after I get the kitchen cleaned up a bit.

Or maybe my treat for the day will be painting my toenails and adding some of those little, sparkly rhinestones on my big toes that I got for The Peanut the other day.  Who says bling isn't for grown-ups, too?

Something tells me that I'm going to need to be better about self-care in the coming months. 

Michael Hoppe: Long Ago

A little Sunday relaxation from Michael Hoppe, Tim Wheater and Martin Tillman. Enjoy.

This is "Long Ago" from their Afterglow album.

Calling Tea Lovers Everywhere

When stress comes calling at our house, I turn to my old, dear friend:  a cuppa hot tea.

There is something so soothing in that warm, delicious brew for me.  It's  like magic.  Maybe it is the cool touch of my granny's hand when I was sick as a child, as she touched my feverish brow and then handed me a nice, warm, sweetened cuppa.  Or my father making both of us some tea to soothe over some school day slight when I would come home in tears, so we could sit down, sip and chat.

No idea what it is, but a good cup of hot tea is like a magic elixir that smooths out all of life's many wrinkles for so long as the warm brew lasts in my mug.

The British and Japanese were definitely on to something with those tea rituals and traditions.

Of late, my favorite has been PG Tips Special Blend.

My only problem?  It is impossible to find here in WV, and I have to special order it or get lucky and score some at a store when we are on vacation.

It seems to me that I ought to be able to find a decent brew that is strong yet complex at my local grocery store, so I'm asking for a little help from all of you:  what is your favorite black tea?  I'd love to try some new and tasty suggestions, so please chime in with your faves.

The Old Ways

Since I have a meeting early this morning, it will have to be a quick post for the moment.

Found this the other day -- it's a beautiful juxtaposition of Loreena McKennitt's beautiful voice and some lovely landscape photographs.  Relax and enjoy.

Taking A Mental Vacay Every Day

I stumbled across this photo of Santorini the other day, and immediately pulled it onto my desktop to soak in the gorgeousness of the view.  The color of the sea below is breathtaking, isn't it?

Just beautiful.

There are so many places in the world that I have not yet been.  But I've decided that pining for what might someday be isn't the way that I want to go.  It's a waste of the time I have right now to be constantly wishing I could go somewhere else, have something different, see something constantly new.

Instead?  I'm going to enjoy what is right in front of me and, occasionally, bring something new right here to all of us.  Maybe have a Greek food night, or wear more silk scarves a la Grace Kelly, or learn about masterworks of art whether or not I ever see the originals.

Life is just too short to be living for "someday."  So I'm going to bring the "someday" to my "here and now" every single day.  That sounds a lot more fun to me.

Planning A Disney Vacation

There is nothing more fun for me than planning for a vacation.  Truly, I get way too excited about digging out new and fun restaurant choices, activities and trivia galore for each and every vacation we ever take.

Securing a dinner reservation in advance at a great restaurant makes me happy.  Ditto for putting together an agenda schedule that we can print off and try and follow.

I'm weird that way.

Walt Disney World happens to be one of those places we have visited, off and on, since our honeymoon in the summer of 1993.  It is our happy place -- always has been.  Something about turning yourself back into a 7 year old kid that just makes us giggle.

And when you add in being able to see it through the eyes of The Peanut?  Pure bliss.

We haven't been there in a while because we've had a bit of a rocky road with losses in the family and other obligations.  At this point, after the roller coaster of the last few years, we are exhausted and emotionally worn out, and desperate for a goofy, purely for fun trip -- so we are beginning to plan for another Disney vacation -- hopefully in January of 2012, which is the first space available on our calendars or we'd already be on our way.

A trip to Disney World takes a LOT of planning.  It is huge, there is a LOT to see and do, and failing to plan means that you'll end up standing in long lines in the heat and not having a whole lot of fun.  That's just the truth of it.

But if you plan a little bit?  It can make a world of difference as experience taught us.

Friday Respite: A Little Michael Hoppe

The music is Michael Hoppe, playing "Farewell" from his album Solace, with the Prague Symphony Orchestra.

I love Hoppe's work, especially for doing my Artist's Way morning pages or other writing. It's very calming after a day in which your nerves have been jangled, too. Good, meditative stuff for the most part.

He has an album with the flutist, Tim Wheater, that is especially great for that kind of day. Alas, The Yearning (which is it's title) doesn't appear to be offered by Amazon even via mp3. 

The paintings are by John Atkinson Grimshaw, a Victorian-era painter whose landscapes have a certain lovely melancholy to them, especially the ones by moonlight.

They feel very Bronte sisters, don't they?

Enjoy.  Thought everyone could use a brain break this morning.  I know I needed one...

Dreaming Of Sea Pines Forest Preserve On Hilton Head Island

I had a vivid dream last night, about one of my favorite places:  Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.

It has been a few years since we've had time to get down there for a vacation.  Too many losses over too little time in our family of late, and not nearly enough space on the ends of everything for actual vacating in the truest sense of the word.

Our last trip there, Mr. ReddHedd had the flu and Mother Nature conspired to keep us indoors for a lot of the trip by stirring up serious windstorms that made the beach miserable with blowing sand being thrown in your face constantly, and cold, driving rain pelting you otherwise.

But The Peanut and I managed to find some lovely shells and take a few walks anyway, and even fit in some dolphin watching.  And I have a beautiful lettered olive shell, that we found at low tide the morning we were leaving from our trip, on my computer desk as a reminder of our fun.

For some reason, the marshes and beaches of Hilton Head Island call to some internal voice in me -- the confluence of water, waves and wildlife, I suppose, which the island has in abundance.

When we have visited in the past, we've gone during the "off" season, in winter or very early spring usually when the summer crowds have long disappeared and the beaches are quiet because it is well into sweatshirts and gloves weather.  Perfect for a woman who turns into a lobster instantaneously even with a heavy dip into the sunscreen, and also perfect for someone who loves quiet and solitude.

Which is why I've been dreaming of the island, I think.  Some internal drive for a wee bit of peace and quiet.

Simply Divine: At Elizabeth David's Table

Is there anything better than heading out to the mailbox only to find that a book you've been anticipating with near fervent glee has arrived?

That happened to me this morning.

I swear, I walked outside to get the mail, opened the mailbox and let out a loud squeal of joy.  An embarrassingly loud squeal, too, the sort that is usually reserved for 4 year olds who have heard the ice cream man coming from three blocks away and have watched and watched and watched until his truck is finally coming down their block, sweaty dollar clutched in their excited little hand.  That kind of out loud squeal of joy.

The neighbors probably think I've pulled a nutter, but it couldn't be helped.  It flew out of me when I saw the box.

It is all I can do today to get anything else accomplished, I've been holed up every spare second I could find, pouring through the pages of At Elizabeth David's Table: Classic Recipes and Timeless Kitchen Wisdom.

It is heaven.

Am I the only person who reads cookbooks as though they are page-turning thrillers?  I am consumed by reading the recipes and the background travel notes or family anecdotes, and then trying to imagine the taste just by reading the recipe again and "tasting" it in my imagination.

I can lose myself in a good cookbook as surely as I can in good fiction, and I have had a long attachment to Elizabeth David thanks to Laurie Colwin.

Which is kind of a coincidence, actually.  For the last week or so, I've been re-reading through Laurie Colwin's  Home Cooking: A Writer in the Kitchen, mostly because it is comfort in a book for me.

Artist's Way Seminar: After The Second Day

Let me tell you, digging through all the artistic blocks and censors you have built up through the years is hard, exhausting work.

It has been well worth it, absolutely.  But I crashed hard last night and slept so soundly the alarm was startling this morning.  This seminar has been incredibly energizing in so many ways for me, but my body needed down time in the worst way last night -- funny how when I need to process heavy information, my refuge has always been and still is a lot of sleep.

Woke up and did my seminar homework morning pages first thing. 

It's funny to think about them as homework, because I do them regularly these days and love them.  But it's been fun doing them here because I'm in such a creative frame of mind that I'm digging at some really useful stuff that has helped unlock so many things for me.  It's really been a wonderful tool for meditation and creativity while I've been here.

Meals yesterday were also wonderful.  Again.

Artist's Way Seminar: Prelude

My Artist's Way seminar starts today, but I've already been here for a whole day.

I arrived a day early to the Kripalu Center on purpose so that I could get my bearings in the new surroundings before plunging into the writing seminar.

Plus, I wanted to have time for a yoga class or two and some nutritional discussion, as well as go to a meditation class.

It turns out to have been a really good decision.

Here's a report about my doings from yesterday, from start to finish:

Some Tuesday Muse-ic

If you haven't heard of them, you really should take a moment to introduce yourself to Anonymous 4.

Their music is sublime, introspective and relaxing all at the same time.

Who doesn't want more of that?