Seemingly Endless

This is the part of the treatment slog that feels seemingly endless.  The grind of going, every single day during the week. over and over again, to get voluntarily irradiated.

Not only is it mentally unnatural, but it has begun to be physically grueling as well. 

I have a little less than two weeks left after today's session.  While I used to be able to say that I could grit my teeth and get through anything, doubts have begun to creep into my thoughts on this front.  As I sit here this morning, swollen and achy, it isn't exactly a given that I will continue to trudge forward back into the radioactive fray, mostly because I fear an increase of the already substantial raw pain that has become more of a constant this week.

Sometimes it feels as though the whole of life is survived this way.  On the darkest of days, after a long slog like this has already been with its months and months of treatment, it can certainly feel that way.  On a day when just putting one foot in front of the other to force yourself back for another day of a whirring, blistering few minutes of zapping that have such longer lasting effects afterward.

Today, though, is Friday, which for me means that I get two days off to just begin to heal up before I subject myself to yet another full week of this.  For the first time in all of this trudge, this morning I am literally having to force myself to get ready and go.  It is a hard place to be for someone who hates to be a whiner and, even worse, hates to be cowardly in the face of a challenge she knows she must meet.

And meet it, I will.

I will because there is nothing for it but to grit my teeth and get through it.

Hope your day is better than this.  Tell me something fun that you are doing with your day, or with your weekend, or post a link to something hilarious in the comments.  A giggle would go a long way today...


(Photo via Mathias Liebing.  So beautifully spare, isn't it?)