Not who other people want me to be, or who I think I ought to be in any given moment, or what my understanding of expectations is from day to day...but what the deep down part of me that is really me at my core, what do I want to be?
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm ever going to find the answer to that ever-evolving question. Or if my own inner voice even exists under all the layers of "oughts" and "shoulds" and "what others want of me's" that get in the way in my "do unto others before your needs ever get a chance" mindset.
I think I should just stop worrying about it and do the thing that I want to do at the moment and see how it goes.
The advice from Finding Nemo seems particularly apt today, given our family's recent loss and the questions of life and mortality and everything else that such a close loss stirs up: "Just keep swimming."
Today, more than I have felt in a long, long time, "just keep swimming" seems a little more difficult than usual. But the "to do" list doesn't do itself, either, now does it?
How do you work your way out of a case of the mopes? How did you find the thing you want to do when you grow up? Do tell...
(Gorgeous photo via Gildera. Love this shot -- makes me want to write a whole short story about what is just beyond that ray of light.)
4 comments:
When I have the mopes, sometimes the "to do" list is a comfort and sometimes it's a hindrance. I'm not averse to making a new one that includes plenty of TLC or getting out of the house or getting back in bed, with or without tea and a good book. For me, doing some cooking reminds me of my history and feels sacramental. Movies are a great escape which sometimes is just where I need to go.
Oh ... and (at age 57) ... I'm still not sure of much of anything. I don't feel really truly grown up. I've had several distinct careers and each one has fit me well, though none perfectly, and I always wonder about what's next and when. Every time that there is a loss like the one you are going through, my boat is rocked, sometimes severely. On my better days, I can see the gift that comes with that. Sometimes the gift to us women is the nudge (push!?) to stop and get our needs met, which also means figuring out what those are.
I really like your alternative to worry: to "do what I want to do [I'll add "or can do"] in the moment and see how it goes"!
Hugs, Christy, and thanks for sharing your swim with us!
Thanks, Sharon -- it helps to know that I'm not the only one. *g* Silly as it sounds, it is good to know that misery has a little company now and then.
And a hot cuppa tea and a good book sounds lovely about now...
All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. Now that I've done that, I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. It would have to be some type of self-employment, because by the time I graduate college, I will be 50+, and who would hire me?
Toni, I had sort of the opposite issue -- I studied to be a lawyer and practiced for years. But our fertility issues really pushed me to reexamine my priorities because the hours and stress from my job was adding to our fertility woes. (murder trials are just a wee bit work intensive...lol) After I had Fiona, we discovered that I have lupus, and she had some early developmental issues, so staying home made so much sense.
I'd always wanted to be a mom and a wife, but I also had career ambitions. Those had to be put on hold during a pregnancy that required bed rest, and by the end I was too exhausted to go back to full time work for a bit.
I sort of fell into doing political analysis for a while because of Scooter Libby's legal case (funny to say that, I have to say!), but it wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life -- my passion for it waned the closer to the inside of the process I got, I suppose, because the issues I cared about were only getting lip service but no real action. Watching the government run from the inside is a nasty business.
But now I'm home, with my girlie and taking care of a house and a family, wondering what will I do with myself, for myself next? Because as much as I love being a mother and a wife, it isn't enough for me to only do that. Which makes me feel really guilty sometimes, but there it is -- I want something more. The questions is: what? It's a wide open world, what would I like my place in it to be?
As for 50? That's young. I had a classmate in law school in his 60s, just beginning a second career because early retirement didn't suit him. I say you can do anything you want -- and that education is never, ever something to miss if you want it. My mother-in-law went back to school in her 50s and loved it. So my vote? Would be go for it if there is something you've always wanted to study. It's never too late...
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