You really can learn a lot from your children.
Before we get to that blissful part of the day where The Peanut is nestled all snug in her bed and dreaming of Santa's bounty and all the fun she'll get to have with it, we have to survive the anticipation as it builds and builds.
As a parent, that can be trying at times: the inevitable hyperactivity followed swiftly thereafter by the whining mopes and begging for "can't we open just one present now" springs to mind from Christmases past.
But it can also incredibly fun to watch. And instructive.
When was the last time you were so excited about something in your life that your body was, quite literally, vibrating with anticipation? Where just the thought of the day ahead made you giddy? When giggles just escaped from your lips because the joy of life was too fun not to share with the world around you?
Even as adults, with our endless "to do" lists and carpool driving and running hither, thither and yon after working all day just to put food on the table and keeping the utilities on and...well, you know your life, but shouldn't it include a hefty measure of joy, too?
Shouldn't we all find that level of pure, unadulterated happiness in our day to day existences somewhere? At least on a semi-regular basis?
We certainly deserve it. As stressful as life can be as you get older -- worrying about bills and pending orthodontic consults and what's for dinner and all the rest of the endless things we have to do and care for -- a little unbridled joy goes a long, long way toward getting you through to the next round of crazed exhaustion.
The trick, I suppose, is finding a way to have regular comfort and joy, and to recognize it when you have it, so that there is a balance between the stress and the celebration as you move forward. Finding a way to live life in the sweet spot on a regular basis, so to speak.
But too much isn't helpful either.
Our daughter's laser focus on getting to Christmas morning can be absolutely hilarious. But it can also go too far. Last year, she was so excited about Santa Claus that she barely slept and kept waking up at the slightest sound and trying to run downstairs...only to face the next morning completely nauseous, opening her presents with a barf bucket at her side "just in case" for the first couple of hours, and then had to take a nap without really being able to play with much of anything.
She's under strict mom orders not to repeat this tonight. But controlling excitement is not an exact science, even for a momma, now is it?
Finding balance is really hard.
I read a recent article in the WaPo about a study on mothers who have to multi-task heavily in order to make their increasingly stressful and overly insane lives work, and how much the resentment can build up from this on a day to day basis. This particular section struck home with me:
Researchers hypothesized that the negative feelings are related to cultural pressures for mothers to be more fully-engaged in a child’s upbringing and household management. Since they also multi-task more publicly, researchers said, they are more apt to feel criticized or judged.We are too harsh with ourselves and with each other. I know this is true for me: I judge myself far more harshly than other people view me, and my inner dialogue toward myself is a constant stream of critical analysis of what I'm not doing perfectly or how I'm failing if I get something the least bit off. It may be genetic, because I catch The Peanut doing that with herself on occasion, too, and although we are trying very hard to teach her to be gentler with herself and not so quick to judge herself harshly, it's an ongoing issue.
Also, the researchers’ suggested that working mothers endure “contradictory ideological pressures” that leads them to feel more conflicted than fathers about which tasks should take priority.
But because it's Christmas, I thought I'd ask:
Why can't we give that gift to ourselves? Why can't our personal gift this year be that we will love ourselves a little more and tear ourselves down a little less? That we have permission to say "no" when we really want to instead of feeling like we have to do something because someone else expects or wants it from us?
And above all, why can't we make finding joy a goal every single day?
I've recently been re-reading Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance. I've had a copy of the book for years and have gone through it in bits and pieces at least once all the way through, but I've never managed to go through it from front to back over the course of a year.
This coming year, I've decided to give myself the gift this year of beginning the book on January 1st and going all the way through, every single day, and using it as a tool to find more joy in my daily life. To create the life I truly want, day by day by day, or to recognize more fully that I already have that life right in front of me.
Far too often, we miss the fleeting glimpses of joy because we are too focused on what we have to do next, what needs doing later, or what is expected of us down the road. Living now -- feeling the joy now, having the big belly laugh now, allowing ourselves to pause and deeply savor it now -- is a huge part of that.
Give yourself the gift of really living your life in the now.
Take a deep breath, sit down amidst the maelstrom and the hubbub of the holiday madness, and think about all the blessings in your life. I did this the other day, sitting down with a legal pad and a cuppa tea, and just started writing down blessings -- by the end of it, I was smiling broadly because I just could not help it: recognizing the wonderful life you already have makes you happy. Improving on it then becomes something that feels more possible.
Frank Capra's classic It's a Wonderful Life is a favorite at our house this time of year. I catch Mr. ReddHedd whistling Buffalo Gals for days after we've watched the movie.
Be like George Bailey: recognize the amazing life you already have, feel the joy of your blessings deep in your core. Give yourself the Christmas gift of loving who you already are -- and for seeing the things that you don't love clearly enough that you can begin to change them for the better.
We all deserve comfort and joy. This Christmas, I'm wishing for the wisdom to be able to see and savor it when it comes my way. I wish the same for you.
A very, merry Christmas to one and all!
(Photo by Christy Hardin Smith of Mr. ReddHedd's favorite Christmas ornament from his childhood, "dancing Santa," who hangs today on our Christmas tree. Every time I see him, it makes me smile. And it is a reminder for Mr. ReddHedd of all those happy childhood moments, which makes me happier still.)
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