On The Subject Of Manners And Hosting

Below the Mason-Dixon line, social graces are still drilled into the heads of youngsters by any momma or granny worth her salt.  At least, that's how things have always worked in my family - you learn "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am" and "please" and "thank you" as soon as you begin to talk.

Sadly, though, I think basic manners and hostess pride have begun to wane with far too many folks.  Case in point:

In front of me in line stood a harried professional looking forty-something mother, her tween, her teen and her teen daughter's friend.

Teen daughter and tween daughter order. Mother orders. Mother pays for her spawn, and ignores the daughters' friend. . . .

And the mother-daughter trio walk to the tables and start eating.

Daughter's friend orders something tiny (an egg roll) and a cup of water. She was clearly unprepared to have to pay her own way. . . .
And I'm left wondering: Is this standard and normative? Do we invite our children's friends out and then not actually host them? Do we really do that? I mean, really?

Yikes. In my mind, what is most likely is that the mother and daughter duo were just rude, selfish bores and that the girl will likely not have many more friends hanging out with her if that's how they are treated. And, frankly, rightly so.

Here's my question, though, based on the above scenario:  would you have then stepped in and offered to buy a meal for the kid, even though you don't even know her?  I think I would have.  And I say this knowing that I have actually done that a time or two, because I remember what it was like to be at the mall with little to know cash on occasion, and as a teenager that really is akin to torture, especially when you are hungry.

We've bought meals for traveling soldiers at the airport in the past by giving the check-out person a $20, and telling them to give the service person whatever change may be in the offing -- but that only works anonymously if you are ahead of that person in the line (and I do like to do that anonymously because it isn't about the social glory, it's about doing something nice to say "thank you" not show off my extra twenty bucks, you know?).

When the person in question is ahead of you in line, you are stuck with the awkwardness of having to publicly step up and say, as nicely as you can so as not to embarrass or make the person feel small and pitiful, if you can help out -- I usually throw in a joke about how my husband likes to pilfer the occasional $20 out of my purse and forgets to tell me he's snagging it for lunch just when the ATM is down.

I've done this on occasion in a restaurant or at the food court when someone clearly needed a hand and wasn't in a position to ask for one.  And, in this particular scenario, I probably would have enjoyed putting an exclamation point on it so that the selfish duo would have had an opportunity to realize that the poor girl hadn't expected to be treated like "the help" when asked along as a guest, and then would have been able to step back up and make amends and do the right thing.  Not that I would have expected them to do so because, frankly, after having spent as much time in criminal law courtrooms as long as I did, my default setting is to expect selfish, narcissistic, jerk behavior and to be surprised when something better comes along instead.

All this started me thinking that, perhaps, my world view is a little too far on the "expect the negative, never be surprised when you get it" scale, though.  What do you all think?

And, more importantly, what would you have done in the above situation?  I'd love to know how others might handle something like that, too. 

My red-headed temper usually leads me to get annoyed and then shame some malefactor while trying to right a perceived wrong -- it's just how I'm hardwired, I think.  Do other people do this sort of thing, too?  Do tell.

All this to say, I would never, ever do that sort of thing to a friend of my daughters.  Further, I'd be absolutely mortified if someone came to our house or with us on some excursion and felt like they weren't part of the family and treated with graciousness and generosity.  Mercifully, generosity and manners seem to still have some value here in WV -- may that always be the case -- because boorish behavior still gets you singled out and shunned, especially if it is towards a child. 

But maybe I just hang out with a nice crowd?  Have folks noticed an uptick in classless crapola?  I wonder how much of that stems from a "Jersey Shore-i-fication" of our culture?  Thoughts?!?

(Photo of a mall food court via supertrixiecat.)