Friday, November 5, 2010

Going Gray (cefully)?

I'm aggressively going gray.

There.  I said it.

For my whole life, one of my most immediately defining characteristics has been my red hair.  Beyond a short period after birth when it was bright carrot orange, then  a deeper brownish red, then a light strawberry blonde in the summer at about age 2 (at least in all the old pictures, anyway, and curly as all get out -- hello, Orphan Annie!), my hair has been a fairly mid-range auburn-y red pretty much ever since.

I've had highlights done, gotten perms, had short layered dos and long curly Miss America dos -- whatever -- through the years.  But the consistent truth of my life is that I have always been a redhead.

I like being a redhead.  Love it, in fact.

That hasn't always been the case.  But I've grown into a confidence with it through the years to outright owning my redheaded pride in being a little different.  Frankly, for the last couple of decades, I've sort of defined myself by my sassy red hair.

Hell, when I started political blogging, my moniker was "ReddHedd," for heaven's sakes.  When I met my husband, one of the first things he loved about me was my red hair -- he's always had " a thing" for redheads, it seems, and it's one of the things that drew him to walk down the hallway to meet that "redhead" talking with a friend of his. 

Honestly?  Just thinking about not being a redhead as I'm typing this is making me well up.  I kid you not, a tear just rolled down my cheek.  Over hair color.  How crazy is that?!?

So what does a girl do when that is no longer true?  In my case, I panicked.  Well and truly panicked.


After going through what we did with fertility hell for almost 7 years, and then finally, blessedly, having our miracle when I was 35?  I just wasn't ready to go gray yet.  The thought of being seen as my own child's grandmother scared the hell out of me.  I had that experience the first time I ever took her out grocery shopping right after her birth -- the check-out lady thought I was The Peanut's grandmother and I burst into tears in the check-out line.  (Pregnancy hormones are killer, aren't they?)

The problem is this:  the women in my family go gray really early.  I started finding gray hairs when I was in my first year in college.  But it was a here or there thing, so it looked like really bright highlights among the red, so no big deal, right?

As I've gotten older, though?  It's coming in more and more aggressively.  Adding lupus medication to the mix has made it worse, and to add to that I had a huge patch of gray right in the front of my hair that has now spread to all over.

So, as I said, I panicked.

For the last year and a half or so, I've been going to a wonderful hairdresser who has been keeping my hair colored -- sometimes a little darker, sometimes a little lighter -- because matching my personal shade of hair color turns out to be really, really hard.  She's been wonderful about tweaking it to try and find something I'm happy with that doesn't look utterly and completely fake on me.  And she knows how to work with my thick, unruly hair which is akin to a miracle for me.

The problem?

I'm a fraud.  A fake.  A phony.  And it is bugging the crap out of me, because I've worked very hard to be true to myself and not be the sort of faux person who shows one face in public and another in private.  And yet?  Here I am doing just that with my hair.

Why do I say this?  Because I haven't been back to the hairdresser in about 6 weeks, due to unexpected family trauma really and not because I've avoided the salon.  But my roots are coming in and showing up in a big way right now.  I can clearly see that my natural hair is no longer red with a few silvery-white strands, it's that stark a contrast.

It's pretty much silvery-white with a few red strands.

And, I have to admit, the roots are a really pretty color.  Really pretty.  But they aren't red.  Which means if I let them grow out and stop panicking about the gray, I'll no longer be that sassy redhead that took me years of my life to love.  I'll be something else entirely.

I'll still be me, don't get me wrong.  But I won't be the sassy redhead in the crowd any more.

Can I do that?  Of course I can...but do I want to do it?  Do I have the courage to do it?  Because for me, it would take courage -- I'm 42 years old, for heaven's sakes, and feeling a lot sexier and more confident now than I ever did in my 20s.  How would I feel with gray hair?  Would it be the same -- or would I feel washed out and aged somehow?  How can I know if I don't give it a try, though?  But if I give it a try, then everyone who sees me will know I'm going gray and any color I decide to put in after that will brand me as a woman faking her hair color for all the world to see, right?  (Of course, by writing this, I've pretty much outed myself on the gray hair thing anyway, haven't I?)

Frankly, my husband has been really, really supportive of the idea of me just letting my hair go gray.  He thinks the silvery gray in my hair looks hot, or at least he says it does.

My husband went gray early, too -- while we were in law school together, he started getting steel gray strands that have matured into a nice salt and pepper gray that looks really good on him.  But he also has been mistaken for my dad, let alone our child's grandfather, and although he says it doesn't bug him, can that really be true at the core?  Men see that sort of thing differently sometimes, so maybe yes.  But could I be okay with that?

It's a dilemma.  So I'm asking your advice, dear readers.

How have you dealt with this?  Is it this much of a struggle for everyone?  It's such a personal issue, and women so rarely talk about this sort of thing because we don't want to embarrass each other or put anyone on the spot, but I cannot stand feeling like one of those ladies who does the color rinse that looks utterly and completely fake to all the world just to salve her own need to ignore her wrinkles and experiences just to recapture her youth.

At the same time, though, I am not remotely ready to feel older, to look older, or to present myself as not caring any more.   But that sounds awful, doesn't it?  Frankly, it sounds like something my mother would say, which is horrifying enough in and of itself -- she's never, ever let herself come close to going gray, and will avoid it pretty much forever if she can, I'm certain.

Well, that's a point in favor of going gray for me right there.  (I'm only laughing a little bit at that.) 

I mean, honestly, a lot of these women look hot, so why couldn't I do so as well?  Why does the thought of going gray make me so freaked out, though?  Is it the gray -- or the lack of being a redhead?

I'm serious about wanting to hear how you've dealt with this.

Those of you who have gone gray -- it seems like it would be awfully liberating in a lot of ways.  Is it?  And for those of you who haven't, how do you deal with long-term coloring?  Because it seems like an awful lot of work given how quickly my hair grows (still over an inch a month for me). 

Give it to me straight on something really, really personal for most women:  to gray or not to gray?

(Photo of some lovely roots via mutbka.)

9 comments:

diablesseblu said...

Oh Christy, I have to leave in a few minutes for a wedding weekend. But I could not leave without a note... (and yes, you, Bill and Fiona et al) have been in my thoughts and prayers. Have meant to be in touch but things here are challenging also.

I've been through this hair bit. (Everybody always "knew" about me though because I have an identical twin who never colored her hair and I did.)) Also, I have a first cousin who has red hair and who is currently going through the "hard to match" issues with her stylist. Have major sympathy for your dilemma.

I'm will ruminate about this in the car and send a comprehensive email later. However, the first thought that comes to mind is this (and based on my having had the privilege of actually meeting you). You are not your hair -- or your hair color. You are a remarkable person and your spirit simply pours out of you. People notice that, know that about you. For me, it's always about the eyes and the smile...not the hair.

BTW, I love that you are willing to "out yourself" about this issue! Will be in touch.

Christy Hardin Smith said...

Would love it if folks would tell me how they've been dealing with this, too. Just saying this out loud is a huge thing for me.

And how silly is that, considering some of the weighty issues I've talked about through the years. Gray hair has nothing on child hunger or violation of the rule of law. And yet? This was a hard one for me to hit publish on -- I almost deleted the whole thing, but that felt like an even bigger phony moment for me. So here it is...out there for the whole world to see...EEEEEEP.

Christy Hardin Smith said...

Hugs, Jane -- have a lovely wedding weekend. Would love to hear about your "twin" experience!

And thanks so much for the lovely compliment. You are too good to me. :)

barbara said...

Girl! You have hit the mother lode. barbara (who is just a tad older than you are :) is dealing with this issue as well.

Mousy brown with increasing gray incursion.

For several years, I've had my hair foiled (yes, curses, foiled again). Kind of mitigates against the whole gray thing, but it's all still there.

For me, the foiling has been a temporary step while I make up my mind about the gray thingie. This after an early lifetime of slim, leggy brunette status. Where'd THAT woman go?!

And recently, I've decided to bite the bullet and let it go gray. Well, right after one more foil B4 we went to the Rally in DC last weekend. : )

Always one more thing to mess with. Class reunion. DC. Holidays. Blah blah blah.

It occurred to me that foiling fools no one. "They" all know it's a cover-up, even if it's done well (which it is, and for what I'm paying for it, it ought to be!).

Christy, you will always and ever be a woman with the heart of a red-head, whatever color your hair. Having seen your hair up-close and personal (thank heaven for that chance!), your fabulous hair will look mahvelous, always.

Save money. Save time. Soon you will be having people tell you how gorgeous your hair is. We all know how gorgeous YOU are. That ain't gonna change.

I am so loving your courage (and yes, it takes courage!) to out yourself on this. Lordy, girl. This is why we love you! You're so honest and so real. Hair color is cosmetic. You're not.

Hope this helps. Will continue pondering this, for you and for me!

diablesseblu said...

About to run out the door. Have to chime in again -- what Barbara said!!

Well done.

Christy Hardin Smith said...

Thanks, Barbara -- you are, as always, such a peach. :)

Mr. ReddHedd said...

Whatever you decide to do is fine with me. I'm in love with you, not your hair. Gray, red, blue or bald, makes no difference in my feelings for you. You are not your hair. What makes you you is much much deeper than hair color.

Christy Hardin Smith said...

Awwww, see? Love you, baby.

(But I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my hair. LOL)

Suzanne said...

i figure i've earned every darn one of these silvery white hairs. and that they are pretty and catch the light so i don't hide them anymore.

ditto what barbara said -- you will always be a redhead at heart -- no matter the color of your hair.

and booyah to mr reddhedd!